Many of us have grown up dreaming of the wonderful feelings of romantic love and wait expectantly to fall in love. Movies and love songs have a way of stirring up that longing in us. People in love seem so joyful and alive and we yearn for that in our lives too.
Those of us who are in relationships or marriages for a couple of years now, do have partners or spouses in our lives that we love and care for deeply. So where are those magical heady feelings of love?
That’s the first shocker – contrary to all the stories we’ve seen – love is not just a feeling.
What is love?
Many of us mistake love to be only a feeling. Let’s take a moment to think about our own experience of feelings. We’ve all experienced feelings of attraction – these feelings go up and down – here one moment, gone the next! Which can be confusing and painful. If we confuse love with a feeling, we may find ourselves asking questions such as:
- “How could I love someone I didn’t really know so well?”
- “I love and care about my partner so much, how come I don’t feel that kind of excitement around him / her anymore?”
- “Is this love?”
- “Have we fallen out of love?”
The questions are many and the answers can be scary so at times we attempt to shut out these thoughts. But even if we do that, there could remain a sense of lingering sadness – of something missing. What is missing perhaps is an accurate understanding of what love is.
Clearly, feelings are transient and so love would have to be more than a feeling. Love has been described by psychologists and writers as a decision, a choice or actions. According to social psychology, love is a combination of emotions, cognitions and behaviours.
To understand what love is better, let’s look at real life as opposed to the fairy tale.
Understanding the difference between passionate and companionate love
We often get together with our partners when we ‘feellove’ or ‘fall in love’. The experience of ‘falling in love’ involves an intense and unrealistic emotional reaction to another person, also referred to as passionate love. At such times, we may see our loved one inaccurately, i.e. we may see them as “perfect” in every way, emphasizing their virtues and dismissing their faults as unimportant. However, passionate love is too intense and unrealistic to be maintained as a permanent emotional state.
There are other kinds of love that can be long lasting. Companionate love is described as love that is based on friendship, mutual attraction, shared interests, respect and concern for one another’s welfare. It may not seem as exciting as passionate love but it is a crucial aspect of a satisfying and lasting relationship.
Since many of us mistakenly equate only romantic feelings or passionate love with love; in long-term relationships like marriage we may begin to wonder what happened to our heady feelings of love. Living together involves doing numerous house-hold chores, paying bills, finishing to do lists, going to work. None of these are particularly known to inspire feelings of romance or passionate love between people!
Yet it is these very activities done together that forge strong bonds of deep caring and attachment, also known as companionate or mature love. Companionate love is based on a better understanding of ourselves and our partner.
How does love grow in a marriage?
That’s the magic potion in long-term relationships: Love grows from knowing and sharing with our partners. For example, if a husband and wife go out for a cup of coffee, they may not necessarily feel an intense emotional reaction as they experienced in the ‘in love’ or passionate love stage. Instead, they may enjoy the time spent in togetherness and develop deeper emotional or intellectual intimacy by getting to know more about their partner through their conversation.
Thus, our efforts every day to know and share with our partners could lead us to greater and greater levels of physical, emotional, intellectual, financial, recreational and spiritual intimacy.
To enjoy companionate love in marriage, we may need to get over our hurt and disappointment often brought about by unrealistic or inaccurate beliefs about love. Building intimacy in marriage may require planning our time and efforts. If you would like to explore your own beliefs about love and how these maybe impacting you and your relationships or if you would like to understand and identify ways in which you could build intimacy in your marriage, you could talk it over with a counsellor.
References
Baron, R. A. and Byrne, D. (1997). Social Psychology, 8th edition. Boston, MA: Allyn and Bacon.
Those of us who are in relationships or marriages for a couple of years now, do have partners or spouses in our lives that we love and care for deeply. So where are those magical heady feelings of love?
That’s the first shocker – contrary to all the stories we’ve seen – love is not just a feeling.
What is love?
Many of us mistake love to be only a feeling. Let’s take a moment to think about our own experience of feelings. We’ve all experienced feelings of attraction – these feelings go up and down – here one moment, gone the next! Which can be confusing and painful. If we confuse love with a feeling, we may find ourselves asking questions such as:
- “How could I love someone I didn’t really know so well?”
- “I love and care about my partner so much, how come I don’t feel that kind of excitement around him / her anymore?”
- “Is this love?”
- “Have we fallen out of love?”
The questions are many and the answers can be scary so at times we attempt to shut out these thoughts. But even if we do that, there could remain a sense of lingering sadness – of something missing. What is missing perhaps is an accurate understanding of what love is.
Clearly, feelings are transient and so love would have to be more than a feeling. Love has been described by psychologists and writers as a decision, a choice or actions. According to social psychology, love is a combination of emotions, cognitions and behaviours.
To understand what love is better, let’s look at real life as opposed to the fairy tale.
Understanding the difference between passionate and companionate love
We often get together with our partners when we ‘feellove’ or ‘fall in love’. The experience of ‘falling in love’ involves an intense and unrealistic emotional reaction to another person, also referred to as passionate love. At such times, we may see our loved one inaccurately, i.e. we may see them as “perfect” in every way, emphasizing their virtues and dismissing their faults as unimportant. However, passionate love is too intense and unrealistic to be maintained as a permanent emotional state.
There are other kinds of love that can be long lasting. Companionate love is described as love that is based on friendship, mutual attraction, shared interests, respect and concern for one another’s welfare. It may not seem as exciting as passionate love but it is a crucial aspect of a satisfying and lasting relationship.
Since many of us mistakenly equate only romantic feelings or passionate love with love; in long-term relationships like marriage we may begin to wonder what happened to our heady feelings of love. Living together involves doing numerous house-hold chores, paying bills, finishing to do lists, going to work. None of these are particularly known to inspire feelings of romance or passionate love between people!
Yet it is these very activities done together that forge strong bonds of deep caring and attachment, also known as companionate or mature love. Companionate love is based on a better understanding of ourselves and our partner.
How does love grow in a marriage?
That’s the magic potion in long-term relationships: Love grows from knowing and sharing with our partners. For example, if a husband and wife go out for a cup of coffee, they may not necessarily feel an intense emotional reaction as they experienced in the ‘in love’ or passionate love stage. Instead, they may enjoy the time spent in togetherness and develop deeper emotional or intellectual intimacy by getting to know more about their partner through their conversation.
Thus, our efforts every day to know and share with our partners could lead us to greater and greater levels of physical, emotional, intellectual, financial, recreational and spiritual intimacy.
To enjoy companionate love in marriage, we may need to get over our hurt and disappointment often brought about by unrealistic or inaccurate beliefs about love. Building intimacy in marriage may require planning our time and efforts. If you would like to explore your own beliefs about love and how these maybe impacting you and your relationships or if you would like to understand and identify ways in which you could build intimacy in your marriage, you could talk it over with a counsellor.
References
Baron, R. A. and Byrne, D. (1997). Social Psychology, 8th edition. Boston, MA: Allyn and Bacon.
“If you want to live a good life, it takes work.” — Brian Buffini
One of the most common questions people ask Brian and Beverly Buffini is, “What’s the secret to a long and happy marriage?” On the surface, Brian and Beverly may seem like they come from different worlds, but their experiences and commitment to each other and their faith has made them stronger. Together, they’ve endured both success and setbacks in their personal and professional lives; but at the end of the day, they have the support of one another and their family. In this episode, Brian and Beverly discuss how they met, their experiences as an interracial couple, and what they’ve done to help them build a successful marriage over the past 26 years. You’ll learn the importance of giving of yourself in any relationship, why pride is the heart of conflict and the difference between remorse and repentance. Whether you’re going through a rough time in a relationship or you want to keep it strong, this is an episode you don’t want to miss.
Inspirational quotes from today’s interview
“It was love at first sight for me the day I met her.” — Brian Buffini
“I grew up in a culture where we didn’t see color, so we didn’t go into our relationship looking at that. The biggest question we received was, ‘what about your children?’ and we said ‘what about our children?’ What people are asking is, ‘what about your differences?’ It’s more than color when you get married.” — Beverly Buffini
“Consider who you’re marrying and your love will grow from that if it’s meant to be.” — Beverly Buffini
“We developed our mission statement for our relationship and our family. We revisit it all the time.” — Brian Buffini
“I didn’t realize I’d have to give my life to get my life back, and that’s what I think in the ‘me’ culture, you’ll keep lists and records of wrong and what you’ve done. It’s an accounting exercise.” — Brian Buffini
“Where we’ve had major breakthroughs in our relationship is to never question one another’s motives.” — Brian Buffini
“We try our best to understand each other as opposed to be understood.” — Beverly Buffini
“There’s a great phrase: Intimacy—Into Me You See.” — Brian Buffini
“Most human beings want to love and be loved but we make it difficult to do so.” — Brian Buffini
“The biggest thing is to be intentional.” — Beverly Buffini
“If you want to live a good life, it takes work.” — Brian Buffini
“A lot of our rocky times came from pride. It’s hard to get to that point when you think you’re right. To resolve that is to be humble at times, consider and understand the other person, and it’s work because we really want to do it our way.” — Beverly Buffini
“Forgiveness is not saying you’re sorry. There’s a difference between remorse and repentance.” — Brian Buffini
“Human beings do better together. It’s harder to work through our stuff with ourselves. There’s stuff that hasn’t gone outside our relationship because of that trust.” — Brian Buffini
“We didn’t always grow at the same pace in the same way at the same time. But we were patient with one another.” —Brian Buffini
“I can’t change him. He can’t change me. We can influence one another, but not change one another.” — Beverly Buffini
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13
“Don’t just read it on your wedding day; read it every morning.” — Brian Buffini
“The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions—the little, soon forgotten charities of a kiss or a smile, a kind look or a heartfelt compliment.” — Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh answer stirs up anger. How we communicate to one another carries the day no matter what the situation.” — Beverly Buffini
“This too shall pass. No matter what state you’re in, there’s always hope.” — Beverly Buffini
Mentioned in the podcast:
The Greatest Salesman in the World by Og Mandino
The Challenge to Succeed by Jim Rohn (audio series)
Connect with Brian Buffini
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/brianbuffini
Twitter: https://twitter.com/brianbuffini
Buffini Show Insiders: http://www.thebrianbuffinishow.com/insiders
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Click here to buy our Podcast theme music, “The Cliffs of Moher” by Brogue Wave.
Love And Marriage Show Carnival
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